Daylight Saving Time Is Stupid And That Is My Final Word On The Subject.

I woke up today thinking it was Monday, and eventually realized it was Sunday. There is almost no better feeling in the world than that, am I right? I also woke up thinking it was 6:30am, but it was really 7:30. Which just goes to show you, life is full of exciting twists and turns. Way to keep me on my toes, universe!

That said, I would like to suggest that we abolish this daylight saving time nonsense once and for all. I am not sure why we can’t just face the fact that it’s stupid and disruptive to our circadian rhythms. If you are not familiar with the importance of circadian rhythms, I suggest you read up on the subject. It’s interesting. And for some information on how daylight saving time affects your body, read this article on Bustle. It’s pretty good.

A former co-worker of mine once suggested a very good idea – he said we should just split the difference, set the clocks ahead by a half hour and call it a day. Forever. I always thought that was the best plan until it occurred to me that actually, we don’t have to do anything at all. Just stop. No changing clocks. No springing ahead and falling back. No babies waking up at 4am for a solid week because their bodies know better than the clock on the microwave. No more realizing that you still haven’t changed the clock in your car, only to follow that up with the realization that you still don’t remember how to change it anyway so you’ll have to put it off until another day.

This is an image that came up when I searched for “daylight saving.” So at this point I’m pretty sure they’re just fucking with me.

Believe me when I say I know a lot of us like the extra hour of daylight in the summer. When I was in my twenties, I actually celebrated the beginning of daylight savings time as a holiday. I’d draw hearts and balloons and little fireworks on that page in my datebook. I don’t do that anymore. I am a much happier person now that I have embraced the darkness as well as the light. Also, sometimes I want to go to bed at 8:30 but I feel like an idiot when it is broad daylight outside. And another also: there might not even be a good reason for it anymore. Read this article on Time to see what I mean.

If you ask me, which not one living human being has, we should really just wrap this up. Stop the madness. Let 2017 be the year that we say, NO MORE! Put an end to our reign as arrogant humans who think they can actually alter the passage of time. I don’t know how to go about getting this changed, but I am pretty sure this blog post isn’t going to do it. Let’s write to our congressmen. Start petitions. At the very least, complain about it until people want to quit talking to you because you’re very annoying.

If you don’t feel like doing any of that, then instead read Spring Forward, Fall Into Perpetual Darkness, by Sarah Hutto, on McSweeney’s. It is the funniest thing I’ve read since returning to Eastern Standard Time.

15 Things That Probably Mean You Are Old AF

He’s old AF. That’s along the lines of what I thought, back when my dad was 39. I was four years old; I don’t know why I remember that particular age, but I do. I used to watch him shave before work in the morning. Then I’d go to the kitchen for some cereal while he got dressed in his suit and tie. He was an adult with a job, he drove a car, he knew how to get there. He had sideburns. Old AF.

Okay, I didn’t really think “old AF,” first of all because in those days we just said “as fuck,” we didn’t abbreviate it because we weren’t texting yet. Also, I was four. But the point is, I am now six years older than my dad was then. And yet I don’t feel old at all, let alone old AF.

Maybe you’re wondering – what about me? Is it possible that I feel young while actually I, too, am old AF? It’s a tricky question. And because I try super-hard to know the answers to all the tricky questions, I’ve devised a list to help us decide.

15 Things That Probably Mean You Are Old AF

  1. You realize that Pearl Jam and Nirvana are to your 10-year-old what Pat Boone and Doris Day are to you. Trust me, it’s true. I have done the math.
Our Eddie Vedder.
  1. You look at your new podiatrist/ophthalmologist/urologist and think, she’s a sweet kid.
  2. You’re filling out the paperwork at the doctor’s office and you have to stop and think, wait, do I have heart palpitations?
  3. You say something is “cool,” and then immediately think, who am I, the Fonz? Do people even say cool anymore? Why didn’t I just say neato! Or swell! WTF???
  4. You know who “The Fonz” is.
  5. You realize you’ve not only worn the current trend before, but that you’ve worn it as an adult.
  6. You continue to say you “hung up” on someone even though in reality, you only pushed the END button.
There was nothing quite like slamming this down in someone's ear.
There was nothing quite like slamming this down in someone’s ear.
  1. Your very drunk father once drove your childhood self home from the family reunion, while your mother sat in the passenger seat as usual. Stone sober.
  2. You tell your kids anything about your childhood in a manner meant to illustrate how much better childhood is “nowadays.”
  3. You tell your kids anything about your childhood in a manner meant to illustrate how much better things were “back then.”
  4. You go to a bar and feel like it’s full of children even though they are actually 27.
  5. You remember Deney Terrio. Fondly.
  6. You make a joke about Steve Martin to the grocery store cashier and she says, “oh, right, wasn’t he in Groundhog Day?”
  7. You make a joke about Steve Martin, period. Not saying that you’re old AF, Steve Martin – but I suspect the kids might think so.
  8. You say things like “old AF,” just for the sheer joy of seeing your kids cringe at you using the language they think they invented.
Mom, please! Shut up!
Mom, please! Shut up!

So, I hope this has helped you. Perhaps you are thinking, how could this possibly help me? Why would I want to know I should no longer consider myself old, but actually, old as fuck? And here I would agree with you. There is nothing good about categorizing yourself in this manner. After all, you might be old AF but there is always someone older than you, and aging is a privilege that not everyone is lucky enough to get.

Another privilege not everyone is lucky enough to get: fitting Deney Terrio into their blog post. Which, if I’m telling the absolute truth, is the whole reason I wrote this in the first place. Quite frankly I think it was pretty clever. You know. For an old person.