Blogging Is Like Being a Porn Star. Sort Of.

  • clapper-board-152086_1280If you are a blogger, you’ll already know this, and if you’re not, you’ll just have to take it from me when I say that being a blogger is exactly like being a porn star.  Minus the nudity.  And the on-camera sexual activity.  Also I would suspect that your average self-respecting porn star makes substantially more money than I do as a blogger, and on top of that, I seem to be lacking in the “stardom” aspect. But aside from those things, it is exactly the same.  Really!  Keep reading and I’ll tell you why.

First of all – well, think about it.  I don’t know about you, but if I were a porn star I would almost certainly prefer world annihilation over having my kids one day stumble upon my filmography.  Having a blog is a similar feeling.  My kids hate when I write about them, they hate when I talk about them.  As a matter of fact they sometimes hate when I talk to them.  Like they ask me to volunteer for their classroom parties, and when I do, they make me promise not to speak to them.  Other mothers walk into the room and their kid is all Mommy Mommy Mommy!  Whereas my kid sits there trying to look mystified, like – hmmm, wonder whose mom this is?  Don’t recognize her at all!  I don’t get it, because I really thought the “embarrassed by parents” phase didn’t kick in until maybe the tween years.  Maybe the tween years are starting earlier now?  I don’t know.  The things I don’t know about raising kids could fill a book.  Or a blog.

Other kids when their parent walks into the classroom.
My kids when I walk into the classroom.

Anyway, the greatest sin to my kids – even greater than saying hello to them at the school Halloween party – is to write about them for public consumption.  I understand that, I really do, and so I respect it.  I never write anything embarrassing, or at least, anything that I think they would be embarrassed by.  At the same time, I respect my right to talk about my own life.  Much like a porn star, this leaves me in a situation where I fear for the day my children ever find and investigate my work.

My parents are another concern.  Not so much my dad – due to the Alzheimer’s Disease, even if he was angry about something I wrote he’d forget about it within seconds, so with him I am pretty much off the hook forever.  My mother, on the other hand, might be a bit more sensitive about certain things. So I have to be careful.  Who else worries that their mom might be upset over something they’d done at work?  Me and porn stars.  That’s about it.

Strangely, my in-laws worry me more than my parents, which I guess might be true for some of the porn industry workers as well.  First of all, my parents know that I swear.  If there were such a thing as a Professor of Swearing, my dad would have been tenured by the time I was in kindergarten.  My in-laws, on the other hand, have been somewhat more sheltered.  But I feel like if I’m going to write true things, well, sometimes the “F” word is the truest thing I can write.  All inhibitions thrown to the wind and so forth, similar to a porn star and also similarly embarrassing when your in-laws decide to visit your blog the day you published “Be Nice, Motherf***ers.”

My husband.  Weirdly enough this is the one example where life as a blogger does not feel porn-star-ish at all.  I respect him and I try hard to avoid writing anything that might belittle him or make him feel bad.  Sometimes I ask him, “read this and tell me if you’ll be mad if I publish it.”  And then he usually says, “Yes, [sigh…] but do it anyway,” and then I say, “Oh, good, because I accidentally already did.”  I am pretty sure porn stars aren’t running their footage past their spouses for approval.  I am also pretty sure they aren’t omitting certain hilarious details from their work out of respect for their husbands and wives.  Then again, what I don’t know about the porn industry could also clearly fill a book.  So why am I writing this post at all, you ask?  Good question, and it leads me to my next and final point.

This is not me. But I do like her legwarmers.
This is not me. But I do like her legwarmers.

The final way in which being a blogger is just like being a porn star is this:  the risk to my future dignity.  Actually even the risk to my current dignity.  There are a million reasons why I could never be an actual porn star, top among them being the fact that I would know I look stupid in every single second of every single video.  I can quite literally think of nothing more embarrassing.  Writing about yourself is a similar if totally different type of exposure.  I’ve actually had commenters say things like “why did you even write this, we don’t care what you think.”  I would like to assure those commenters that with every new thing I write, I press the publish button feeling certain that no one on earth cares what I think and therefore, this whole endeavor is stupid and pointless.  The next logical question being, of course, then why do you do it? No one is forcing you.

And the answer is, because I like it, and because I hope one day someone will pay me lots and lots of money for it.

You see what I’m saying?  Exactly.  JUST LIKE A PORN STAR.