How To Be Happily Married. Or Maybe Not.

heart-933163_1280If you’re thinking that the headline to this post does not sound very promising, then you are correct:  it is not.  You want to know why?  Because first of all, I have only been married for around 8 years.  What do I know?  Very little, I can promise you.  You would do well not to take marriage advice from someone who once told her mother-in-law, “I think the best we can hope for is that a brain tumor is making him act this way.”

And yet, I am still married, and I would even venture to say happily so, at least a good 70-80 percent of the time.  So I often have people asking me:  how do you do it?

Just kidding.  No one has ever asked me that.  Still, I will tell you, because it’s Valentine’s Day and also because, who knows.  One or two of these tips might inspire you.  Or make you decide to quit reading altogether, not only my writing but the entire internet, in which case you still win, because think of the time saved.

This scenario has never happened in my life.
This scenario has never happened in my life.

So anyway.  Here are –

10 Things I Do To Be Happily Married 70-80 Percent of the Time

  1. Go to bed angry.  Why in God’s name would you ever stay awake just to fight?  That doesn’t even make sense.  You need sleep.  Plus I can guarantee that the more tired you get, the more calamitous everything will seem. Go to bed.  Fight some other time.  And with that in mind –
  2. Sleep in different rooms as often as possible. This does not mean your marriage is going downhill; this means you are smart, like to sleep, and know the meaning of “conjugal visits.”  For more information, see Surely This Is Not What God Intended.
Bad idea here, unless you love the sound of snoring.
  1. Do not ever “work on your relationship.”  What does that even mean?  I don’t know.  And on that note –
  2. Know that a marriage counselor will not necessarily fix your marriage.  I’m sure that plenty of times they do, or at least help.  But they might also help you to see that you cannot be married to this person for one more minute, which can be just as beneficial, if you ask me, but it’s not what most people are shooting for.  Jim and I have never been to marriage counseling, mainly because I think we are just too lazy.  I guess that is what works for us.
  3. Encourage your children to like foods that your spouse hates. Jim hates Mexican food, and so it looked like my relationship with Taco Bell et al was over for good – at least until my kids reached the age of reason, and realized just HOW GOOD IT IS.  This saved me from a lifetime of longing and resentment, and also keeps me from losing weight, which might lead Jim to suspect I am preparing to leave him.  Which I’m not, and it would be weird if he thought that, but you know.  I’m trying to look at the bright side here.
  4. Ignore problems until they go away. This works so well that I’m surprised more people don’t recommend it.  My husband knows that when he gets an email from me, it is typically because I have reached the point where I can stand some particular issue no longer.  And guess what?  I always do stand it longer, because nothing ever really changes.  I’ve found it so much more effective to pretend the problem doesn’t exist in the first place.  It might seem hard or even impossible at first, but trust me, you’ll get there.
It's simple to feel like lovebirds when you completely disregard anything negative at all times.
It’s simple to feel like lovebirds when you completely disregard anything negative at all times.
  1. If you do accidentally get into an argument, and it becomes clear that your spouse cannot understand your point of view, do not keep trying to explain yourself.  It will never work.  Instead, in your head, you should just say, “Oh, fuck him.”  Or her, I guess, but I’m sticking with “him” based on my own experience regarding which gender tends to understand things and which one doesn’t.  Dear Jim, no offense, I know that for you it is less a lack of understanding and more a lack of hearing me speak in the first place.  Hence the emails.  I love you.
  2. Ignore your spouse’s faults. First of all, because they are really only “faults” in your eyes; faults, by definition, are subjective.  Jim might feel like I “leave the refrigerator open” too often or “don’t wash my car” nearly often enough, but who knows, someone else might find those things charming.  Either way, his focusing on those things has not managed to change them yet, and you might notice that I am speaking here of my own faults and not Jim’s.  That is because Jim has no faults.  See how I did that?
  3. When your spouse complains about your faults (“God, would it kill you to just drive through a car wash,” etc.), cheerfully acknowledge their position (“You’re right, sweetheart!  It totally would not kill me!”) and keep moving.  If you were not moving in the first place, like say you were just sitting there reading a book and minding your own business, then get up and start moving.  The criticism is an invitation to an argument which you are not obligated to attend.  Go check to see if the refrigerator door is closed, instead.
  4. Do not make fun of your spouse, either in person or on the internet, when they wonder aloud whether it’s legal to shoot a sasquatch. This stands even if they follow it up by saying, “I mean, because they are considered half human, right?”  Wait, did I just screw up and break my own rule?  Maybe I did.  Maybe I didn’t.  I will leave it for me and Jim to know and everyone else to assume to be true.

Happy Valentine’s Day, and love to you all.

P.S., you may have noticed that the numbering in this post went haywire.  I couldn’t fix it.  Add “bad at bullets and numbering” to the list of faults Jim should ignore.

I don't even understand what this is supposed to be.
I don’t even understand what this is supposed to be.


And In Other Super Bowl News . . .

football-player-260556_640There are so many stories.

Terry Long, dead at age 45 after drinking antifreeze, in 2005.  His brain was later found to show signs of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE, which causes mood swings, forgetfulness, insomnia and depression, often severe.  In 2006, Steelers team physician Dr. Joseph Maroon said that blaming CTE (and therefore, directly or indirectly, football) for Mr. Long’s death was nothing more than “fallacious reasoning.”

Andre Waters committed suicide in 2006, at the age of 44.  I am 44.  According to the New York Times, tests later found that Mr. Waters’ brain looked like “that of an octogenarian Alzheimer patient.”

Tyler Sash, dead of an accidental overdose in September of last year.  His brain showed signs of Stage 2 CTE, rare for someone his age.  Tyler Sash was 27.  His mother found him dead.

Junior Seau, who committed suicide in May, 2012, at the age of 43.  He, too, was found to have Stage 2 CTE.  Seau played for the Chargers, the Dolphins, and the Patriots.  He was never listed by any of these teams as having had a concussion.

Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend and then himself in 2012; he was 25.  His body was exhumed a year after his death, and you are probably not surprised at this point to hear that CTE was found.  He left behind a 3-month-old daughter.

More CTE:

Shane Dronett, dead in 2009 at the age of 38.  According to reports, he’d begun showing paranoia, confusion, fear and rage as early as 2006.  He left a wife and two daughters.

John Grimsley, dead at age 45 in 2008, reportedly of an accidental gunshot wound.

Tom McHale, the cause of whose 2008 death was recorded as an accidental drug overdose.  He was 45.

Justin Strzelczyk, 36, died while driving 90 mph in the wrong direction.  No drugs or alcohol were found in his system.

Mike Webster – “Iron Mike” – dead at age 50 in 2002, after years of pain, confusion, poverty.  An excellent article on his life and death: Before ‘Concussion’: An Inside Glimpse Of NFL Player Mike Webster’s Utterly Tragic Final Days.

Dave Duerson, age 50, shot himself in the chest in 2011.  He left behind 3 sons and a daughter, as well as a text message to his family asking that his brain (which he purposely didn’t shoot) be studied for CTE.  It was.  He had it.

If you’ve seen the movie Concussion, you’re familiar with most of these stories.  I’ve only read the book, so far.  I imagine that when I do watch the movie, I’ll feel even worse.

And so here we sit on Super Bowl Sunday, all set to see which commercials are best, and to hope we win at least one quarter on our block pools, and to eat Buffalo everything.  And I am not saying this to be judgy; I’m not.  I will watch too, at least until I fall asleep, and I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite or not.


It kind of feels like it does.  But I mean, there still is football; it’s not going away.  And I still like it.  I like most sports, I like watching sports on TV, I like going to live events.  I suppose I have my dad to thank for that – my dad who is living with pretty severe dementia at the age of 79.  Up until his recent move to a nursing home, he’d been putting toothpaste in his hair on a regular basis.  His situation is sad and horrible, but again – he is 79.  Not 43 or 27 or 36.  He’s not my husband, who I expect to spend many more happy years with.  He’s not my son.  I can’t imagine if he were my son.

And so, I don’t know.  I hate to rain on anyone’s Super Bowl parade (but yes, I’m doing it anyway, I know, I know, I know).  But I just cannot watch it without thinking of all of these husbands and sons who suffered, usually very badly, and then died as a direct result of having played this sport.

I also can’t watch the Super Bowl, or any football game ever from now until the end of time amen, without worrying about the guys currently on the field.  How many of them will end up losing everything and trying to Super Glue their teeth back in?  How many will end up like my dad, but 30 or 40 or even 50 years too soon?  How many of the NFL’s current domestic violence problems are attributable, at least in some part, to CTE?

I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know.

I keep trying to think of what my point is in writing this, aside from wet blanket purposes, and quite honestly I don’t know.  Maybe that is the point.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what the solution is, and I hate writing about things where I can’t think of a solution.  The NFL would like to think their concussion protocol helps, and I guess it does, like a Snoopy Band-Aid on a stab wound.  Allowing a player to recover from a concussion is nice.  It unfortunately does nothing to address the repeated non-concussive head traumas that football players experience at every practice, every game, every day.  Some of them, every play.  And the NFL, which continues to make billions of dollars, spent years denying that this was a thing at all.

The NFL makes billions, but what happens to the guys that make the NFL what it is?  And by ignoring this, because we love football, because go Steelers!  Aren’t we the tiniest bit complicit in keeping the system going?  I mean, clearly we are.  I am.  Everybody is.

So anyway, today, I didn’t want to ignore it.  I want everyone to be as worried as I am, most especially Roger Goodell and the NFL.  I want the rules to change even more.  I want to hear NOT ONE THING about the “pussification” of National League Football.

On that note, here’s another story.

I always liked Antwaan Randle El (who played for the Pittsburgh Steelers from 2002 – 2005, and then again from 2010 – 2012) – not so much because I knew anything about him personally, but because I thought he was good.  I also thought it was pretty awesome that he could become a surprise quarterback when he needed to.  Randle El was drafted the same year that Mike Webster died.  Interestingly enough, he’d also been drafted by the Chicago Cubs in 1997, but he chose a football scholarship and college over a baseball career.

Antwaan Randle El is now 36, and says he asks his wife the same things over and over, only to ask again the next day.  He’s the only wide receiver ever to have thrown a touchdown in a Super Bowl.  He’s made history, in the NFL.  And yet, he says if he had it to do all over again, he’d play baseball.

You can buy the book Concussion at Amazon.  Another excellent book – League of Denial, also available at Amazon.

Full disclosure, if you click either of these links and actually buy the books, I will get a tiny bit of money.  Not much.  I’m putting the links here because they’re good books, not because I plan to make a living selling them.  Still, it doesn’t hurt to give myself a nickel or two when I can.