A friend called me the other day to relate what started out as a very unfortunate story. “My identity has been stolen!” she told me. “They’ve opened lines of credit, they’ve bought things . . . it’s a mess.”
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought of identity theft as kind of an urban legend or other false alarm. Similar to Y2K, I guess – something everyone worries about but that never really happens. I know you read about it all the time; I know there are horror stories but evidently I never truly believed them. Or maybe I believed them, but figured they were happening in some alternate reality that would never be my own. Also, I’ve always felt sort of bad for anyone who would bother to steal my identity. “Ha,” I’d tell them. “Go ahead. See if you can do better with it than I have.”
Anyway, thanks to my friend, now I know it actually does happen. I have been schooled. And as always, I am here to share with you the bright side.
My friend went on to tell me that the point of her story was not that her identity had been stolen, though honestly I thought that was interesting enough. The point was that her thief had sent her a gift. A gift! And to tell you what the gift was, I will have to use a word which I have only just realized that I hate to say. It turns out I even hate to write it. But I will write it anyway, because as I said, it’s the point. Her identity thief sent her: A DILDO.
Really, this is true. And I mean, is that the sweetest thing or what?
Granted, they didn’t know which type she might prefer. I mean, they were really taking a shot in the dark. And it’s clear they aren’t Gwyneth Paltrow followers, because the thing was not solid gold nor did it retail for $15,000.
But still. It’s the thought that counts, am I right? Sure, the thought may have been, “I have stolen your identity and I’m using your money and now you can just go fuck yourself,” but let’s face it. They didn’t have to send her anything. I haven’t done the research but I’m guessing most identity thieves keep their gift-giving limited to their own friends and family. That right there gives me hope for humanity.
I kind of think my friend might not agree with me. It’s true we had some laughs, during her phone call, but still I didn’t get the feeling that she found this tale quite so heartwarming and encouraging as I did. Which I guess I can understand. I mean, some of us just see the glass as half empty no matter what, which is sad but true.
One last thing. When you are a writer, you are always trying to write unique and interesting sentences. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you don’t. But thanks to this criminal’s generosity, I had a chance to write what I believe might be my most unique sentence yet. It was a text message to my friend which read: Would you possibly want to send me a beautifully lit photo of your dildo to use on my blog? I’m pretty proud of that one, if you want to know the truth. To my friend and her alter ego identity stealer, thank you from the bottom of this writer’s hopeful little heart.