He’s old AF. That’s along the lines of what I thought, back when my dad was 39. I was four years old; I don’t know why I remember that particular age, but I do. I used to watch him shave before work in the morning. Then I’d go to the kitchen for some cereal while he got dressed in his suit and tie. He was an adult with a job, he drove a car, he knew how to get there. He had sideburns. Old AF.
Okay, I didn’t really think “old AF,” first of all because in those days we just said “as fuck,” we didn’t abbreviate it because we weren’t texting yet. Also, I was four. But the point is, I am now six years older than my dad was then. And yet I don’t feel old at all, let alone old AF.
Maybe you’re wondering – what about me? Is it possible that I feel young while actually I, too, am old AF? It’s a tricky question. And because I try super-hard to know the answers to all the tricky questions, I’ve devised a list to help us decide.
15 Things That Probably Mean You Are Old AF
- You realize that Pearl Jam and Nirvana are to your 10-year-old what Pat Boone and Doris Day are to you. Trust me, it’s true. I have done the math.
- You look at your new podiatrist/ophthalmologist/urologist and think, she’s a sweet kid.
- You’re filling out the paperwork at the doctor’s office and you have to stop and think, wait, do I have heart palpitations?
- You say something is “cool,” and then immediately think, who am I, the Fonz? Do people even say cool anymore? Why didn’t I just say neato! Or swell! WTF???
- You know who “The Fonz” is.
- You realize you’ve not only worn the current trend before, but that you’ve worn it as an adult.
- You continue to say you “hung up” on someone even though in reality, you only pushed the END button.
- Your very drunk father once drove your childhood self home from the family reunion, while your mother sat in the passenger seat as usual. Stone sober.
- You tell your kids anything about your childhood in a manner meant to illustrate how much better childhood is “nowadays.”
- You tell your kids anything about your childhood in a manner meant to illustrate how much better things were “back then.”
- You go to a bar and feel like it’s full of children even though they are actually 27.
- You remember Deney Terrio. Fondly.
- You make a joke about Steve Martin to the grocery store cashier and she says, “oh, right, wasn’t he in Groundhog Day?”
- You make a joke about Steve Martin, period. Not saying that you’re old AF, Steve Martin – but I suspect the kids might think so.
- You say things like “old AF,” just for the sheer joy of seeing your kids cringe at you using the language they think they invented.
So, I hope this has helped you. Perhaps you are thinking, how could this possibly help me? Why would I want to know I should no longer consider myself old, but actually, old as fuck? And here I would agree with you. There is nothing good about categorizing yourself in this manner. After all, you might be old AF but there is always someone older than you, and aging is a privilege that not everyone is lucky enough to get.
Another privilege not everyone is lucky enough to get: fitting Deney Terrio into their blog post. Which, if I’m telling the absolute truth, is the whole reason I wrote this in the first place. Quite frankly I think it was pretty clever. You know. For an old person.