This is a question that was posed to me by one of my children. Obviously. It would be pretty weird if anyone other than my kids had asked me that. Both of them, as of this writing, are in elementary school. I am not sure what leads either of them to think I might leave them overnight at a Wal-Mart.
Target, maybe. But that is not the point. The point is that thinking about this question led me to recall several other things I’ve heard recently that were pretty downright stupid. You know what I mean – things that make you go, wait. Is it possible that no one in the whole world understands anything anymore? I mean, given the state of humanity in general, I think this is entirely likely, but then again maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the idiot. Or, I guess it could it be that I’m getting smarter. I don’t know. Either way, here are some of the things I’m talking about. Read them and you can be the judge.
- “Yeah, dude, I just ordered it. It’s an authentic replica!” Quite frankly I don’t even want to talk about this one, because it gives me a headache. But headache or not, I need to know: isn’t a replica automatically not authentic? BECAUSE IT IS A REPLICA???
- “I like egg rolls, and yet I hate lettuce. Figure that one out.” You’re right, buddy. It’s a head-scratcher.
- “Could you get him to sign something saying he’s incompetent?” Yes! Yes, I bet I could. And then on the back of that thing I will write out the definition of ‘incompetent’ for you, because oh my God in heaven there is no hope for any of us.
- “Well, she was alive when she took all those ambulance rides.” This was from an ambulance company who’d just been told that my mother cannot pay her outstanding balance because she is deceased. I said, well, I really fucking hope she was alive when you took her on eleven separate ambulance rides. They said, “Oh, she undoubtedly was.” I felt faint and told them I had to hang up right away before my brain fell out.
- “That’s a great shade, if you’re black.” So…right. I am really unclear what you mean by this. Are you thinking that maybe I switch back and forth, and tomorrow might be my black day? On the other hand, maybe you’re advising me against it because I’m white? Either way it’s very weird. Are you sure you work here? Do you have any previous experience with, I don’t know, humans?
Okay, fine. To be perfectly fair, that last one was my mistake. She was actually telling me it’s a great shade if you’re wearing black. I know this because I could not let my curiosity go unsatisfied. “What does that mean?” I said to her, when I was still stuck on the original thing-she-didn’t-say-but-I-thought-she-did. “Why would you…what does it mean?” And she said, quite slowly and clearly – “It means that it’s a good shade to wear when your clothing is black in color.”
I am guessing she probably walked away thinking, how could she not know what that means? What an asshole. PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID.
And if I had heard her thinking that – or, I guess, if she had said it out loud as she walked away and I happened to follow her for some weird reason and overheard it – then I would have said to her, girl, preach! I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.